Tuesday, January 13, 2009

DMV Hell

Last week I had to go to the DMV for work.

DMV HELL, to be more exact. Does anyone watch that CW "Reaper" show? Where the Reaper has to go to the DMV to deposit the escaped souls.
I guess I am not the only one who feels this way.

10:30 AM: Wait in line for the "receptionist". She looks at all your paperwork and maybe lets you advance to the next level of Hell.

After sorting through my pile of papers, determines that they are in order, hands me a number 25 and tells me to sit and wait for my number to be called.

10:40 AM: The employee in window # 5 is calling for Bo Derek. "BO DEREK...... calling BO DEREK.........anyone here a BO DEREK?"
"BO DEREK - Otherwise known as a TEN.... anyone here a TEN?"

10:45 AM: A man, a woman and a small child sit down in the chairs next to me. The little one thinks she is Dorothy with her ruby red slippers and is twirling around. The man is harsh and keeps yelling at the kid and giving her the evil eye. (Dude, she is being quiet, not bothering anyone and keeping herself entertained -chill)

10:55 AM: The man in window # 5 is now singing "....lips like strawberry wine, she's 16, she's beautiful....."

The mother gives the girl a candy to keep her occupied. Two minutes later, the kid is SCREAMING for more candy. Apparently, she only had one piece of candy and now the kid is demanding MORE. "WANT MORE CANNY" "MORE CANNY NOW!!" (Note to parents with small children, do not bribe them to be quiet with candy and only have one piece in your purse - they will demand more. Seriously, don't people use pacifiers anymore and why isn't that 3 year old down for her nap?)

10:57 AM: I think I am starting to develop a migrane. Twitter my plight to the universe. No response.

11:00 AM: Finally my number is called (thank the good Lord I don't have to deal with the singing male DMV hellion in window # 5) The employee looks through my papers and determines that he can't accept my IRS paper that says I paid my large truck highway usage tax. I must have an 'original' with a stamp on it from the IRS.
Ummmmm.... the the "receptionist" checked with the supervisor who said it was ok. I paid the fee on the internet.
Where am I suppose to get the paper? The tag expired two days ago and I have 3 more days or incur a $250 late fee. (yep, you read that right, $250!)

"Well", he says, "you could just change the gross vehicle weight by one pound and then you don't have to pay the fee." WHAT!!!???!!!!??? Why the f@*k didn't they say that the last time I was there when I got all the company truck tags but this ONE?

"Now, I can't accept all the insurance information you have provided, I need this super secret, special form that is now required as of January 1 for proof of insurance." "Can you call the insurance company and have them fax one to us. I am sure they should have it, it is now a requirement for the state." (then why the heck wasn't it included with the registration, buttheads?)

11:15 AM: Go back and sit down, call my secretary to call insurance agent and explain problem. Agent never heard of super secret, special DMV paper but assures us that she can help.

11:35 AM: Insurance company faxes paperwork to DMV but it is incorrect and does not include the exact quote that the state requires. Calling insurance agent again, they have to get permission from the company to write special quote on paper. (Can anyone say, government bullsh*t? Nice try.)

11:45 AM: I can no longer read my internet on the phone because my eyes are crossed from reading all those little letters. Twitter fails to connect and iPhone is nearing the getting thrown across the room stage in a fit of rage. (Deep cleansing breaths everybody...... iPhone saved from destruction)

12:00 PM: Insurance agent and all employees not answering the phone and appear to have all gone to lunch. (Unaware that if I do not leave here soon, someone MUST die.) Besides, one of the lights is now flickering rapidly and I am sure that DMV Satan is mocking me and is announcing his/her arrival.
Person somewhere behind me has cell phone ring of royal trumpet blowing. Make mental note to NEVER have that ring tone as it is the most annoying ring on earth.

12:15 PM: Call secretary again and yell at her to get agent on phone or else. I leave several nasty messages on several voicemails regarding the ball droppage.

12:30 PM: Agent calls and asks what information I need and what do they need to do. Explain for the 10th time what I need. 50th time that royal trumpet phone goes off. Decide that owner must be drug dealer. Decide to keep mouth shut for fear of retaliation.

12:35 PM: The man in window # 5 is now singing something about 99 Luft Balloons. Girl in giant leg brace sits down next to me. Leg brace girl is moaning and groaning in pain. I think I see a hospital bracelet. (Is it really that important to renew your tag now? It doesn't look as if you will be driving any time soon. - Plus, I really don't want to listen to you moan in pain every five seconds.)

12:45 PM: Agent is faxing papers over now. The guy behind me is talking LOUDLY on his cell phone. Something about his boss is a jerk and cheating on his wife and didn't invite him to the New Year's party. (Hello? The entire room can HEAR you - do you think you should really be shouting your boss's FULL NAME across the DMV?)

12:55 PM: Moaning girl's number is called. More freaking trumpets. Someone else is whistling. Decide I cannot take it anymore, smile nicely at DMV hellion and ask for help.

1:00 PM: Finally, paper is faxed and transaction is processing.

1:20 PM: Walk into bright, sunny day and think seriously of liquid lunch.

The moral of this story?

Avoid the DMV at all costs.
Government buraucracy is annoying and government should be disbanded due to stupidity.
Always send assistants to DMV Hell.


  1. Seems like all goverment depts are the same everywhere. I kicked up a fuss at the passport office a few weeks ago, and I'm pleased to say I got my way too!!!

  2. I'm PETRIFIED. I'm purchasing my company car this month and will have to face DMV hell very soon. The only good thing about it is that don't you have such better self esteem walking outta that place every time? Where do those people come from??? And the fact that they actually DRIVE is even MORE SCARY!!!!

  3. Trips to the DMV are never fun! Miserable employees, stupid people (both employees and customers/drivers), there is always someone on their cellphone telling stories no one wants to hear but can't help because they are so friggin loud and finally, every time I go to the DMV, there is someone there who does not believe in wearing deodarant and stinks up the whole place.

  4. Just make sure its and expendable assistant so that when she kills someone you wont feel the need to got to Police Dept hell where there is even more crap to go through.

    Sorry for your experience. Ours used to be one like that, but someone did something here and its almost a pleasure to go to the DMV now.

  5. I think the numbers they hand out should come with a valium attached.

  6. Ahahah I agree about the DMV and Reaper! But I haven't been in a DMV in years. Fortunately we don't have to wait so long for Reaper, only 61 days or so til the new season starts!

  7. Oh geez, I have to go to the DMV in the next week. Dreading it, especially the crying kids and the parents that can't control them.

  8. I agree, I hate all that government bullsh**t. It seems like there are more requirements for their crap everytime you go in there. I can imagine, I would have wanted to throw something too. There are crazy REDNECKS everywhere huh. and I thought they were just here in central texas.


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