It is not really my desire to share this, but maybe if I just get it out there, my long missing bloggy mojo will return.
Depression is a nasty taskmaster.
I tell him everyday that I have so much to be blessed for and he just needs to go away, but he has other ideas. (and yes, my depression taskmaster is a he. No woman would wish this on anyone. Add on PMS.... depression is a farking double whammy)
I really have no reason for this bout of the blues. Yet, I can't seem to loosen his grip.
- My husband and I both have jobs and can pay our mortgage.
- I have a home that is in a safe neighborhood and it is generally sound. (at least this month)
- My family is in good health, today.
- I love my husband (most of the time) and he adores me too. (I can't generally speak for him, but I am sure 'most of the time' would fit him too. Hey, nobody's perfect.)
- I have friends that care about me both IRL & Bloggy. (you guys still remember me, right?)
He cripples me and limits what I can and cannot do.
I don't usually whine about it.
In fact, I rarely talk about it.
Depression, he's very tricky, when life's fractures widen even a fraction, the big D sticks his caustic finger in and poisons your being.
His corrosive attitude invades my speech and actions until I don't even like myself.
I think it all started with the anticipation of my birthday. Not wanting to get older and all that that encompasses. Now that it has come and gone, I am already feeling a bit better. The fact that my son, can't or won't get a job and expects me to support him for God knows how long, coupled with the fact that the two men in my life don't see eye to eye. Then, one of my good friends is going through chemo for Stage IV ovarian cancer. I haven't spent nearly enough time with her since her surgery and treatments. I love her dearly, but sometimes, she just drives me crazy. It makes me feel like a bad friend and a bad person. Mix it all up with a good size portion of many feelings of inadequacy. You've got quite a depression cocktail. (unlike a frozen cocktail, which may make me feel much better)
All in all, I don't think these are the cause of the blues, they just add to the weight pressing down on my life.
I'm not really looking for the magic pill or solutions for my problems, I just wanted to get it down and out of my head.
I would like to publicly thank MissMel for her support and time last week helping me deal. Love you chica!
And to everyone who actually made it all the way down here, thanks for listening and caring. It really means the world to me.